As I write this…
I’m eating chips and a very hot jalapeño salsa…my mouth is on fire and the only way to ease the pain is not to stop eating it!
The closer I get to launching this project, The Touchstone Studio, the more my own authenticity is called into question. Who am I to put something like this out into the world? Well, who I’m not is someone who thinks they’ve got it all figured out. I feel like a scattered mess sometimes. How can I shine a light when I can’t even finish a thought?
It’s moments like this that I need to reach for my tools rather than a quick comfort fix. (I’m not suggesting chips and salsa are a comfort fix, they are a way of life.) Journaling helps. It uncovers the truth of what I’m feeling as I write. It’s like peeling the layers of an onion to get to the sweet, tender center. It starts out jangly, disjointed, filled with raw feelings, and then the wisdom comes…I think through me rather than from me.
So what is the truth of what I’m feeling? I’m scared. Scared I don’t have what it takes to be helpful or consistent through this endeavor. Scared nobody will want to join this community. Scared my ego will get in the way. Scared I won’t know how to translate my thoughts in a meaningful way.
Be the change you wish to see in the world. This project is my way of doing that. In many cases, the ways of being we were taught go in direct opposition to our true nature. We awaken at different times in our lives to the reality that to get back to who we are, to let go of the stuff we’ve been taught and feel good about our lives, we have to do the work to deprogram and reprogram ourselves. This is a place to workshop this process. To understand that what I believe is what is manifested around me, and influence that in a way that feels authentic. To feel good about my decisions, to resist taking on someone else’s stuff, to seek what fills me up inside, to be more mindful and connected, to create and share.
The unique pieces I bring to this work are that I am a researcher, a home maker, and a pioneer. I have built a house with my hands, I have lived without running water, I’m an entrepreneur, I’m recovering from people pleasing and black and white thinking, I have 2 degrees, I know that love is all there is, I’m a musician, I have an eye for aesthetics, I LOVE witnessing people doing what they love, and I’m most assuredly a silver-lining cheerleader. I synthesize information and share it with people I think would be inspired by it.
I’m trusting that as I start walking this path, the stones will rise to meet my feet.